We Had A Miscarriage
Those were the words that Simone said to me over the phone as I sat at my desk in my office on a Tuesday morning. After asking her to repeat what she said, I couldn’t believe what she was saying to me. I immediately told her that I would be coming home. It was the longest drive of my life. Racing up I-275 to get home seemingly took forever. I barged in the door to find her holding her third home pregnancy test confirming that we were indeed pregnant. I was stunned. I was elated. Happy.
I kept repeating, “this is crazy”. We had done something special -- we created a life.
We have been trying to get pregnant for a couple of years now, waiting patiently for God to bless us with a child. We endured the constant “when are y’all gonna have a baby?”, and “you better start working on baby” and "you guys are next". And everyday it seemed like every single person we knew were announcing that they were expecting. And here we were celebrating a miracle. Our very own little miracle.
It was our secret. We wanted to wait until after Simone’s vacation to let everyone know that we were expecting -- we would be around 7-8 weeks pregnant or so. But we would not make that timeline. Our dreams would be cut short.
This past Sunday, August 7th, just as church ended, Simone noticed that she had been spotting. I’ll never forget the words she said to me on her way to her car, “Check your text”. Because everything was still a secret, she was communicating to me that something wasn’t right. She raced home. I finished up at church and raced home. In all of our reading, we knew that spotting can be pretty normal. I reassured her that she was fine. She wasn’t.
Additional texts began coming in fast as I was pulling up to our home. As I walked into our apartment, things were quiet. I found Simone in our master bathroom, crying and holding bloodied toilet paper. There was even a few spots of blood on the floor. She was bleeding bad…this was more than spotting.
We rushed over to the ER. They put Simone through a myriad of tests, blood workups, ultrasounds, and even a pelvic exam. It was difficult for doctors to tell us whether we had lost the baby or not because we were still pretty early in the pregnancy, about 5 - 6 weeks. We spent hours waiting. I barely spoke. I couldn’t speak. I was terrified. I didn't have any language to deal with what was going on. All I wanted was for God to tell me that it was going to be fine. And that is what I focused on.
Eventually they moved us to another hospital where we had access to an OB-GYN who after reviewing results of tests, still could not tell us what was going on. This was highly frustrating and nerve wrecking. The bleeding had stopped and so finally late Sunday night, they released us with the instruction to go see the OB-GYN the next day.
We got home exhausted. It had been a long day. I think we both just wanted to believe that everything would be ok. But in our hearts we were so afraid.
The next day, Monday, we went to the doctor for more blood work but no definitive answer. I checked in at my office for a bit and went back home to be with Simone. We were waiting to for the results of those lab test that will tell us the levels of HCG in her blood. If the levels were increasing, that would be a good sign that she hadn’t miscarried. If they were decreasing, then she had.
Tuesday morning came. We woke up. Simone made a phone call to get her test results but the doctors office was not open yet. So, I went and took a shower.
I pleaded with God for him to not take away our baby.
I even bargained.
I got dressed for the day and Simone walked into the room, hugging the wall a bit, told me that she had heard back on her test results and the levels were dropping. This confirmed a miscarriage. It took a while for that to sink in. Just in some strange autopilot mode, I continued doing what I was doing until it actually sunk in. When it did, I sat on my bed, looking out of our bedroom window and held my head in my hands. That was it. That happiness was gone. Simone sat next to me and we cried together. Heartbroken.
How We're Doing
Today is Friday and it is the first day I am able to reflect. Sometimes I have found myself standing in one spot just thinking about what has happened. It brings me to a complete standstill and I just cry. Can I say that? I'm allowed that right?
I have felt angry. Hopeless. Overwhelmed. Alone. The biggest emotion that I have felt has been empty. I feel like I’ve been robbed. Like someone snuck in and stole something from us.
I was ready to be a father. I was ready to experience everything that comes with it. I was ready to be defined as “Father”. I was ready for the baby to give me definition.
I am constantly surrounded by great men who are great fathers. And I watch them and learn from them. I even love on their kids, learning what it’s like to care for a human so small. I remember doing all of that always praying for a little human of my own.
Simone never had any pain of note, thank God. And she is coping as best she can. My wife is so incredibly strong and beautiful and amazing. And when she is ready she will be able to speak of this experience. For me, I haven’t had an opportunity to talk through any of this and I needed to give language to the hurt that I feel. And I am able to do that honestly and vulnerably through my blog.
I've been holding it together with tape but just barely. Life didn't stop. Work didn't stop. ministry didn't stop. And I did the best I could during the week to make sure I was able to handle my responsibilities.
We’ve turned to worship. We’ve turned to God’s comfort. We do not understand but we do acknowledge that he is perfect in all of his ways. So we lean into God.
We believe that life begins at conception. And while our baby only made it to be the size of a chocolate chip, my chocolate chip, we loved him deeply. He was the pride of our love and we know we will get to see him in Heaven.
So I’d like to introduce you to Khole Adam Seymour. He never had to endure this world but he was loved immensely by his parents. And he made the few weeks that he was with us so incredibly exciting and fulfilling. We are undone but we will be made whole again by God’s powerful grace.
Khole Adam Seymour, June 27, 2016 - August 7, 2016